Ask Mary: Lost in Las Vegas

by | Nov 12, 2019 | Ask Mary | 0 comments

Dear Mary,

 I am feeling so lost and empty right now. I waited till my mid-30s to settle down and get married, and start a family because I lost my parents young and I did not want to bring a child into a world without parents.

I met my beautiful angel about 7 years ago. She was everything I dreamed of. Beautiful, smart funny, and we fit. We got married and had a son 4 years ago. We have the most amazing kid together and I love nothing more than being a father.

 About 2 years after our son was born, we found out that I had some serious health problems. It was a shock to both of us, I thought my wife would be with me and stand by my side but that’s not what happened.

I came home one day and she had moved out without any warning or discussion.  I know things were stressful and I wasn’t being as attentive as I should have been but I didn’t think she would just leave me, what makes it worse is she moved in with someone half her age that she knew as a teenager.

It’s been over a year and I want her to come home, I keep hoping that she will grow out of whatever she had going on and come back. We co-parent our son well.  We still get along so well. I don’t think what we have is lost.

I am extremely hurt by her actions but I love her and want our family back, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. I have even considered suicide but I can’t do that to our son.  

Anytime a woman shows me attention I get scared and push them away, it’s been a long time since I have had sex with anyone, not that I don’t want to but I am scared and I am afraid if I do, she will never come back to me.

Please tell me how I can win her back.

Lost in Las Vegas

Dear Lost in Las Vegas,

 

This isn’t an easy fix and there is nothing I can tell you that will get her to come back. However, what I hear is that you are giving her the best of both worlds and she knows it. She knows that you will continue to wait on her and she can carry on with her new life, and as long as you do that, she has no reason to return.

First, look deeply at yourself and your actions, she left for more reasons than you realize and if you want her back you need to change or work on things that pushed her away. Second, remember that as of now you are not morally dedicated to her so the longer you go on without living your life and having some additional happiness in your life, the longer she will be in control of the situation.

Move on, enjoy being single. Make sure that you don’t lead other women on but if she sees you having fun, dating, enjoying life without her, instead of sitting home taking care of your child while she has fun on the weekends it may make her rethink her situation. She may start to reconsider her life choices if she feels she may lose you to another woman.

Currently, she gets to enjoy her young lover while she has a babysitter that pays her to do so and she knows will do anything he asks. Why would she change a dynamic that allows her to have her cake and eat it too? You are the one suffering and hurting and she doesn’t have to see it, therefore, it doesn’t affect her.

 

Remember she made the choices that have led to the place that has put your lives in this situation, so It’s not about what you have to do to get her back, it’s about what will get her to want to come back. You may decide in the end that you don’t want her back, that is something you need to prepare yourself for.

Once you open your heart, start having fun and enjoying life, you may find a life that is better than what you had with her, you may enjoy your freedom. Yes, you will always love her, she is the mother of your son and together y’all make a family unit. She broke that unit, and there is a strong likelihood that if she does come back, you will try to push all of it behind you, but you won’t ever forgive her and ultimately prolong the inevitable, which will only hurt the child more.

I suggest if you do rekindle your relationship you insist on therapy and working on your marriage before you allow her to come home, they say once a cheater always a cheater but I don’t believe people are beyond redemption. I encourage people to work on their relationships but I also do not think one should be made a fool. The Five Languages of Love and The Love Dare are both must-reads for couples in turmoil.

Open your heart, broaden your horizons and live a little, you may find a life better than what you thought you had or you may bring back your marriage and it will be better than ever; have an open mind and work on healing you.

I do want to commend you both for having a loving co-parenting relationship, it’s so rare I see that but also so incredibly important. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for kids to grow up in blended homes, or have multiple families. Think of it in a positive way. They get twice as many holidays and twice as many potential people to love them. The fact that y’all work together to be good parents shows that you are both good people.

 

Good Luck,

Mary Goodnight

Do you have a question for Mary? Email her at mary@marygoodnight.com; please put “Ask Mary” in the subject line

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