Divorce is the indifference of marriage.
When you are planning on marrying that person you love so much you don’t think about how badly it may end. You are caught up in the joy and happiness and lust vs love. You have dreams of a happy life together but we never think about how bad things can go when they end.
Divorce is an ugly thing.
It’s two people who put love and trust in each other and built a life together but for whatever the reasons it didn’t work. Sometimes couples have major problems like infidelity, abuse or addiction. Other times it is just little things that add up over time, financial stress or simply they just grow apart.
In my recent marriage, it was a combination of things. First and foremost, I brought two older kids into the marriage and my soon to be ex-husband had never raised any kids of his own. He did try to love them as his own and did his best to be a good provider and supporter but his occupation caused him to never be home.
The sacrifice for money over family bonding took its toll. The kids grew and time passes quickly and for someone that has never raised their own kids or who hasn’t watched them change day by day, it’s hard to see.
Meanwhile, despite the financial support, I felt like a single parent with no help. He felt left out and not included. All these emotions lead to a none healthy environment and no one that could or would meet in the middle.
I have gone into detail about the physical, mental and emotional abuse that everyone who was around us saw but most people didn’t know what to say because knowing me would never think I would allow myself to be in a situation where I had someone who had so much control over me. Part of me prayed that in time things would level out and we would settle into marriage and the fighting would stop. Part of me said suck it up, he is gone more than he is home and when he was gone, he was extremely sweet but I realize that was fear of me just leaving.
I also wanted to make it work. I have seen marriages that have lasted decades and they have all told me their marriage survived because they had been through everything and worked through it.
So, I tried my best to work on our marriage. Doctors, therapists, trips, trying to do things to make him feel special or appreciated. He was always a good gift-giver but his gifts were in vain when he would call me names. Over the years the animosity all of us, the kids as well had grown until no one was willing to try or care and life at home became hell.
We didn’t even sleep in the same bed together the last two years of our marriage and sex had stopped for 6 months prior to the end. Everyone in our lives could see the drastic changes that had occurred over the last 8 years of our marriage.
I would have stayed as miserable as I became because I knew how difficult getting a divorce would be. We own a home and vehicles together and the process of divorce is expensive and not easy. I would have gone without the love and affection that every human needs because at some point he used sex as a tool over me and I lost all desire for it.
In 2019 everything that could go wrong went wrong.
My son got into criminal trouble, my son and husband had a huge argument that caused them to hate each other and stop speaking. My daughter started having mental health issues. My father got very sick with cancer. My sister went to prison for 37 months leaving me with 5 kids to help care for.
My boss forced me to take personal time because the stress was getting too much. With all that going on I started to get sick. My legs swelled to a point I couldn’t walk; my hair fell out and I couldn’t eat.
At the time I needed him the most he walked out.
He told me to deal with selling the house and getting us divorced and just like the entirety of our marriage he hid at work with no consideration of what he left me to handle. I had just reunited him with his biological daughter he hadn’t seen in years, and I thought that would be the key to his happiness and it would help our marriage but it was his reason for leaving.
He told me now that he had her he no longer needed me.
I struggle with depression as it is. My history has been to spin out of control. Drink heavy and make mistakes with men that I regret later. With everything going on it wasn’t something I could do.
Too many people needed me.
In a moment of weakness, after he left, I turned to a family friend who had been there throughout our marriage, who had witnessed first-hand the abuse, who had also been a family friend and been there when I needed him every time I called and he could come. Someone that I loved as a friend but never realized I could be attracted to because being married I refused to even look at men in any way other than friends.
In my dismay I sat down and reflected and like a slap in the face I realized that all these years there was a man in my life who I trusted who had shown me in every way that he loved me and I just didn’t realize it.
In fear of my own actions, the fact that men were coming out of the woodwork trying to hook up with me because they smelled the weakness, I went to this friend and asked him to go out like we had done hundreds of times before, and in those hundreds of times, all we ever had was good conversations and laughs.
Never once were lines crossed.
This time I made my best effort to seduce him, which was awkward but I did. He had no idea what I was doing. Eventually, I broke down, and I showed weakness he had never seen, I started to cry and he tried to comfort me and we kissed. I feared that there would be no sparks, but something happened in that kiss that was so uncontrollable and so amazing that literally brought a part of me back to life that I thought was dead.
We did stop ourselves from having sex as I didn’t want either of us to have regrets and lose a wonderful friendship. We talked about everything and the risks before we took our relationship to the next level.
It wasn’t an easy decision, me still being married being the number one problem but the passion between us we also couldn’t deny. This is something neither one of us would ever do Him and my soon to be ex-husband had been close friends as well. My soon to be ex told him horrible things about me for two years things he just ignored but he knew as much as I did the marriage was over.
I’ve never felt more complete with anyone. I actually feel happy in a time in my life I have little to be happy about. The same for him. Those who love him, say that the difference since I came into his life as his girlfriend is amazing. Those who know us couldn’t be happier to finally see us together, some say they saw this happening for years.
Maybe we should have been together 8 years ago but for whatever reason fate made us wait.
Some will judge that I am still married, my husband and I still share finances and pay bills until we get our assets sold and divided.
Some will judge that they were friends first, and its wrong of me to be with him.
Those who judge need to ask yourself what marital vows matter. What happened to in sickness and health for better or worse till death do you part? This friend also tried for years to help keep us together, he saw things he didn’t agree with and he felt helpless to help me but still tried his best to be a friend to both.
I think we have a right to peruse happiness with each other and we are happy and we do love each other and all the things that have come up have only made us love each other more.
Not everything is as easy as it seems and he is what is holding me together through this difficult time and keeping me from falling apart. I don’t agree with cheating but once a person walks away the commitment is over. Just like a commitment starts before you say I do. We get but one life, don’t miss chances to be happy.
Yes, I know that hurt him but he hurt me as well.
One isn’t worse than the other.
Live life guys, the virus should tell all of us how fragile it really is.